This Shit Betta Work Out

After being here in New York for a year and after all the BS I endured to get here and stay here, this shit betta work out.

I want the life, not the one that I have. I dont know what I am really chasing because the goal becomes different everyday. I just want to be successful....successfully happy. Right now, nothing seems to be functionally in any way that is right. To make a long story short, I 'm just in hell and my ethics is declining because I have to get what I want.

- So far, my school has me pigeon holed in this debt, I'm not even sure what the hell I am paying my soul for. I sold my soul to (expletive) AI and for what?

- How could I love someone who so blatantly showed me that I wasn't worth his time. Someone who abandoned me on the street barefoot crying and crazy. I have been dying for the last days, full of regrets and wondering what if. Bottomline is that I blamed him for cheating on me, I blamed him for making me, I blamed him for my black eye, I blamed him for having to make a life choice... I even blamed his ex girlfriend for making this monster. But nah I blame me. I blame me for staying so long, for loving so hard, for giving what I didnt have, for losing my sanity and who I was. For being so weak to where I wasn't even important enough to take care of me. You live, you love and sometimes you learn. But trust you won't be the baddest I ever had. I was told I was the second to be loved, well he was the second to destroy me. I survived last time,all in due time....yeah I was right I love you but hell somewhere I'm selfish and I love me more.

- "I know my mother wish she got a (expletive) abortion. She don't even love me like she did when I was younger, sucking on her chest to stop my (expletive) hunger."..... This shit betta work out cuz to be honest, I don't have anywhere to go, at least not in my mind.


- Nothing in life is for free. I realize that I trusted my environment too quickly. You never know anyone til you live with them. I see how the most repulsive thing about me to someone else is me being myself. I cant hold my tongue and my patience, I dont have it, I need to lay down in peace. Not in aggravation, irritation and with someone monitoring me while I piss and when I touch an object in my room. It's not you, it's me.

- What the hell made me impulse buy? Lord I'm not sure what my hair looks like but part of me is laughing at myself.... another reaction to a bad breakup. Mirror Mirror on the Wall who's the dumbest one of them all.

- Don't answer that.

- After going through life threatening altercations, sick mornings, image changes, thousands of mile, millions of tears, tens of thousands of dollars, insomnia,....and the rest of life that has been wasted, this shit betta work out.




---- signing off,
Dallesia